Validating Children’s Emotions: Why It Matters and How to Do It Without Lowering Expectations

As parents and caregivers, we all want our children to grow into resilient, emotionally intelligent adults. One of the most powerful ways to support this growth is by validating our children’s emotions. But what does emotional validation really mean? And how can we validate feelings without lowering the important boundaries and expectations that help children thrive?

Why Is Emotional Validation So Important?

Emotional validation is the process of acknowledging and accepting another person’s feelings, even if we don’t fully understand or agree with them. For children, whose emotional world is still developing, validation is especially crucial.

Research Highlights:

• Emotional Regulation: Dr. John Gottman’s research on “emotion coaching” shows that children whose feelings are validated learn to regulate their emotions more effectively, which is linked to better social skills, academic performance, and mental health (Gottman et al., 1997).
• Resilience and Self-Esteem: When children feel understood, they are more likely to develop resilience and a positive self-concept. A 2014 study in the Journal of Child and Family Studies found that parental validation was associated with lower rates of anxiety and depression in children (Shenk & Fruzzetti, 2014).
• Secure Attachment: Emotional validation helps create a secure attachment between parent and child, which is foundational for healthy relationships throughout life.

Validating your child’s emotions does not mean you agree with their behavior or are giving them permission to act however they choose. Validation is about acknowledging what your child feels, not condoning every reaction that comes with those feelings. For example, you can empathize with your child’s frustration about having to share a toy, while still making it clear that hitting or yelling is not acceptable. This distinction helps children learn that all emotions are okay, but not all behaviors are—and that you will support them in expressing their feelings in safe and respectful ways.

The Common Trap: Lowering Expectations Instead of Validating

Many parents, understandably wanting to avoid power struggles or distress, may inadvertently lower expectations when their child is upset. For example, if a child cries about cleaning up toys, a parent might skip clean-up time altogether. While this may seem compassionate in the moment, it can undermine the child’s sense of security and capability. In our practices, it is a common pattern for parents to assume that their child’s emotional distress is a sign of anxiety.  While it’s important to be attentive to our children’s emotional well-being, it’s equally important to consider the context. If your child’s big feelings or meltdowns mainly occur when asked to complete tasks they don’t enjoy—like chores, homework, or turning off screens—it is more likely a behavioral response to boundaries and expectations rather than a sign of a deeper emotional issue. Occasional resistance or upset in these moments is a normal part of childhood. True anxiety or mental health concerns tend to show up across multiple settings and situations, not just when a child is asked to do something they’d rather avoid. Understanding this distinction can help parents respond with empathy and consistency, without jumping to conclusions or missing valuable opportunities to teach coping and responsibility.

Why Is Lowering Expectations a Problem?

• Missed Learning Opportunities: Children learn to cope with disappointment and frustration by facing manageable challenges, not by avoiding them. If we consistently lower expectations, our children will continue to struggle with these situations. Our children need more practice, not less!
• Confusing Boundaries: When emotions dictate whether rules are followed, children may become uncertain about expectations and limits.
• Reduced Confidence: Children gain confidence by mastering age-appropriate responsibilities, even when those tasks are hard.
• Over-emphasizes feelings. Yes, we need to validate their emotions, but our goal is to equip our children to be in control of them and move forward. When we lower expectations, we are sending the message that we agree our children should avoid situations they find uncomfortable or not enjoyable – which creates a pattern of avoidance that is difficult to overcome.

The goal is to validate the feeling, not the behavior. We can show empathy and understanding while still holding firm to healthy boundaries.

How to Validate Feelings and Maintain Expectations

Here’s a practical table with common parenting scenarios, showing how to validate your child’s feelings while still supporting them in meeting expectations:

Practical Tips for Parents: How to Validate Without Giving In

1. Name the Feeling: Help your child learn emotional vocabulary. “You seem really frustrated.”
2. Reflect and Empathize: Show that you understand. “I would feel upset, too, if I had to stop playing.”
3. Stay Calm and Present: Your calm presence helps your child feel safe.
4. State the Limit Clearly: “It’s time for bed now,” or “We need to leave in five minutes.”
5. Offer Choices When Possible: “Do you want to brush your teeth first or put on pajamas first?”
6. Acknowledge Effort: “I know it’s hard, but you’re doing a great job trying.”
7. Follow Through: Consistency builds trust and helps children learn boundaries.

When Validation Doesn’t Prevent a Meltdown

It’s a common misconception that if we validate our children’s feelings, they’ll calm down right away, comply with our requests, and move smoothly to the next activity. But children are not little adults—they’re still learning to manage big feelings. Sometimes, no matter how skillfully we acknowledge their disappointment, frustration, or sadness, the tears will still come.

This is not a sign of parental failure. In fact, it’s a healthy, expected part of childhood. Children’s emotional reactions are often outsized compared to the situation, because their brains are still developing the capacity for self-regulation. A meltdown is simply a sign that your child is feeling something big and needs your support to move through it.

Holding Steady: Why We Don’t Give In

In these moments, it’s tempting to question ourselves or to change our decision in hopes of soothing our child. But it’s important to remember: our role as parents is to provide safe, consistent boundaries—not to prevent all distress. If you’ve set a reasonable, age-appropriate expectation, it’s okay to hold that line—even if your child is upset.

Imagine your child is crying because screen time is over. You’ve validated: “I know it’s hard to stop watching your show. You really wanted to keep going.” Your child is still upset. Do you give in and offer five more minutes? It’s natural to want to avoid the tears, but ask yourself: Would you change your mind if your child weren’t having a strong reaction? If the answer is no, then it’s important to remain consistent.

Our children’s emotions are not an emergency. They are not a direct signal that we’re doing something wrong. In fact, by allowing our children to express disappointment or frustration—and by not rescuing them from those feelings—we teach them that they can survive and move through discomfort. This is a key life skill.

It’s Okay for Your Child to Be Upset

One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the message that all feelings are acceptable—even the uncomfortable ones. Being upset is not dangerous. It’s not a sign that you’ve failed as a parent. It’s simply a part of life.

When we jump to “fix” or avoid our child’s upset, we may unintentionally teach them that big feelings are intolerable, or that expressing distress is a way to get their way. Instead, we can show them that feelings come and go, and that we can handle them together.

Practical Steps for Parents During a Meltdown

1. Pause and Reflect: When your child is upset, ask yourself, “Would I change my decision if my child weren’t having this reaction?” If the answer is no, hold your boundary with empathy.
2. Remain Calm and Steady: Take a deep breath. Speak in a gentle, even tone. Your calm presence is an anchor for your child’s storm of emotion.
3. Acknowledge the Feeling Again: “I see you’re still really upset. That’s okay. I’m here with you.”
4. Hold the Limit: Repeat the expectation as needed, without escalating. “Screen time is over for today. I know that’s hard.”
5. Allow Space for Emotions: Let your child cry or express frustration without rushing to stop them. Stay nearby, offer comfort if they want it, and let the feelings run their course.
6. Reassure and Reconnect: After the storm passes, offer a hug or some quiet time together. “That was really hard, but you did it. I’m proud of you.”

The Big Picture

Validating your child’s emotions is not about making life easy or avoiding all conflict. It’s about showing your child that their feelings matter, while also teaching them how to navigate life’s challenges. When you combine empathy with clear, consistent expectations, you help your child develop the tools they need for emotional health, strong relationships, and lifelong success.

Remember: You are not responsible for your child’s happiness in every moment. Your job is to provide love, structure, and support as they learn to navigate the full spectrum of human emotion. By validating feelings and holding expectations, you are giving your child a foundation for emotional health and resilience that will last a lifetime.

~Dr. Jordana and Dr. Erin

References:

• Gottman, J. M., Katz, L. F., & Hooven, C. (1997). Meta-emotion: How families communicate emotionally. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
• Shenk, C. E., & Fruzzetti, A. E. (2014). Parental validation and invalidation: A systematic review of associations with child and adolescent emotional functioning. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 23(2), 312–330.