What it Means to be a "Good" Parent

What It Means to Be a Good Parent

If you ask ten parents what it means to be a “good parent,” you’ll likely get ten different answers: Gentle. Firm. Present. Patient. Structured. Flexible. Regulated. Intentional.

And somewhere in that list is usually a quiet fear: Am I doing this right?

We live in a time where parenting advice is constant and hyper-specific. We are told which phrases to avoid. Which tone to use. Which scripts to memorize. Which words might damage self-esteem. Which responses will foster resilience. That knowledge is a gift. But it has also created a culture where many parents feel constantly evaluated — not by others, but by an internalized standard of perfection.

The truth is far steadier and far less dramatic than social media would have you believe.

Here’s the truth that research, and clinical experience, consistently supports:

Being a good parent is not about perfection: It’s about relationship, learning, and repair.

Parenting Is a Learning Journey (For You, Too)

We often talk about parenting as shaping a child. But anyone who has actually done it knows that parenting shapes the adult just as profoundly.

Your child will press on your unfinished places. They will trigger old memories, old patterns, old defenses. They will stretch your patience and expose your limits. They will require skills you were never taught.

And in that stretching, something important happens. You are invited to become more reflective. More regulated. More intentional. Not because you must become a different person, but because relationship demands growth.

After having kids, I realized quickly why my own mother had certain rules in place that I hated as a kid, but now use myself, or certain ones I plan to use once my kids are older (like curfews, responsibility with finances, etc). There are also things I realized I didn’t like and will NOT be using with my children. I also realized that I can make these decisions with what fits my personality and children, without having to be angry or resentful with my parents and their choices as they were doing their best, and I will continue doing my best. I can reflect that I am able to learn from their victories and failures that will help me be an even better parent.

A good parent isn’t someone who has no reactions, that is literally impossible.
It’s someone willing to reflect on them.

Good parenting asks:

• Can I pause?
• Can I repair?
• Can I adjust next time?
• Can I tolerate my own imperfection?

Children don’t need a flawless model.
They need a growing one.

The Myth of the Perfect Parent

In the 1950s, pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott introduced the concept of the “good enough mother.”

His argument was radical for its time, and still countercultural today. And, honestly, its pretty refreshing considering current pressures.

He suggested that children do not need perfect attunement. They do not need parents who respond flawlessly to every cue. In fact, they shouldn’t have that. Children benefit from small, manageable ruptures in connection, moments where the parent misreads, overreacts, or doesn’t fully understand, as long as those ruptures are followed by repair.

Modern attachment research supports this. Secure attachment is not built on constant synchrony. It is built through cycles of rupture and repair. A parent misreads a cue. Responds too sharply. Misses something. Then comes back. Softens. Repairs.

That repair is not evidence of failure. It is evidence of strength.

When a parent says, “I shouldn’t have snapped earlier. I’m sorry,” a child learns something profound. They learn that relationships can bend without breaking. They learn accountability. They learn emotional regulation. They learn that mistakes are survivable.

Perfection is not the goal. Consistent repair is.

In other words: You will mess up.
And that’s not only normal — it’s part of the process.

The Three Pillars of Good Parenting

When we strip away trends and scripts and buzzwords, three pillars consistently show up in decades of developmental research (and what our parenting course is based upon).

1. A Strong Parent-Child Relationship

Connection is the foundation.

Children who feel securely connected are more likely to cooperate, internalize values, regulate emotions, and develop resilience. The relationship is the “why” behind everything else. The relationship is the emotional safety net that allows everything else to work. It does not require constant cheerfulness or endless validation. It requires availability, responsiveness, and a willingness to reconnect after conflict.

We use this analogy frequently in blogs and posts: Would you as an adult work and try harder for a boss you respect and appreciate, or the one that is overly critical and you try to maintain distance from? When our kid love, trust, and respect us, they want to meet our expectations and work WITH us.

2. Teaching Kids What To Do (Not Just What Not To Do)

Children are not born knowing how to:

• Share
• Manage frustration
• Apologize
• Advocate for themselves
• Calm their bodies

They learn through modeling, repetition, coaching, and practice. We get it, its hard. These are big, important concepts and our kids usually don’t master it the first time, or the second time. How often have we exclaimed, “We just went over this!!” But even as an adult, I’m not getting it right the first time either.

Correction without instruction creates shame.
Instruction without repetition creates confusion.

Good parenting includes teaching — sometimes over and over — in developmentally appropriate ways. When we view our role as a loving teacher, that helps shape our mindset about how we can approach difficult situations.

3. Boundaries and Consequences

This is where the cultural pendulum often swings wildly.

Some trends lean toward heavy control. Others lean toward eliminating consequences in favor of endless explanation. But research consistently points toward what psychologists call authoritative parenting — high warmth and high structure.

Children need:

• Predictable limits
• Clear expectations
• Follow-through
• Consequences that teach rather than punish

Boundaries communicate safety. They tell a child, “I am steady enough to hold the edge.”

Without boundaries (permissive parenting), children feel uncontained. While in the moment kids are happy to get what they want, research shows this leads to unhealthy outcomes. Even though they push against them, kids desire boundaries as this helps them feel safe, protected, and that someone else is carrying the load of responsibility.

Without relationship (authoritarian parenting), boundaries feel harsh. Kids start to view their parents as judgmental, may feel like each interaction often ends in criticism, and this leads to kids wanting to retreat and distance themselves from their parents.

It’s the balance that matters.

When those three pillars are in place — relationship, teaching, and boundaries — most day-to-day imperfections simply do not carry the catastrophic weight parents fear. Isn’t that a relief?

The Cultural Pressure to Get Every Word Right

Let’s talk about the elephant in the parenting room, something happening in modern parenting culture.

We are more aware than ever of how language shapes children, and that awareness can be helpful. Words do matter. Tone matters. Modeling matters. Social media accounts warn parents about the dangers of not validating, undermining self-esteem, making kids lose internal motivation, and so on…

But somewhere along the way, many parents absorbed the message that one wrong phrase equals long-term damage. In our private practices, we are seeing the negative impact that these messages are having on parents. Now, parents constantly second-guess themselves out of fear that they are potentially causing long-term mental health problems, that consequences and boundaries are making their children anxious, and maybe one day their child might go to therapy to address their childhood.

That’s not what the research says.

Attachment security is built across thousands of interactions, not one poorly worded correction.

Resilience develops in the context of overall relational stability, not linguistic perfection.

When parents become hyper-focused on saying the exact right thing, they often become less present. They scan mentally for the script instead of responding authentically in the moment. Children do not need curated language nearly as much as they need congruence. They need a parent whose tone, values, and behavior align.

Presence will always matter more than performance.

Remember, kids do NOT want a perfect parent, because who could live up to that? They want a real person they feel connected to and can learn from, one that feels relatable and knows that sometimes life is hard and their parent will support them through it.

New Information Should Add Tools — Not Replace You

Parenting research evolves. We understand more now about attachment, emotional regulation, trauma, neurodevelopment, and behavior than we did even twenty years ago. That’s a gift our own parents did not have easily accessible, but the constant flow of information can be overwhelming and hard to incorporate into your own parenting practices.

New information can:

• Give you better language
• Offer more effective strategies
• Help you understand your child’s nervous system
• Fine-tune how you set limits
• Add tools for repair

But growth is not the same as becoming a completely different person.

Aside from one absolute, abuse is never acceptable, most parenting evolution is about refinement, not reinvention. You do not need to become a different personality to be a good parent. You do not need to suppress your humor, your directness, your softness, your structure, or your intensity if those traits are part of your authentic self. While Erin and I agree on parenting principles, these will look a bit different when we apply them with our own families, because of our own personalities and family dynamics, and that is okay. We aren’t robots.

Your child does not need a manufactured version of you shaped entirely by trends. They need you — reflective, regulated, and willing to adjust when necessary.

Authenticity builds trust. Children are remarkably perceptive. When your tone, values, and personality align, they feel it. When you’re performing a version of parenting that doesn’t fit you, they feel that too. At the core, good parenting still comes from a real human being in relationship with a real child.

And that relationship thrives on authenticity far more than perfection.

So What Does It Mean to Be a Good Parent?

It means:

• You prioritize connection.
• You teach skills intentionally.
• You hold boundaries consistently.
• You reflect on your own growth.
• You repair when you misstep.
• You tolerate imperfection — yours and theirs.

It means understanding that parenting is not a performance, it’s a relationship. And as we know, relationships are often messy, stretching, and really hard sometimes.

Parenting is hard work; Your child is learning how to be a person. You are learning how to guide one. And, especially with your first kid, neither of you have done this before. Even after your first, each child is different and has unique strengths and weaknesses that require you to adapt.

“Good enough” is not a consolation prize. It is a research-supported, relationship-centered standard that leaves room for humanity.

And humanity, not perfection, is what actually raises resilient children.

We hope you found this encouraging! 

~Dr. Jordana