How to Discuss Emotions With Our Kids
Apr 19, 2022
When discussing kidsâ emotions with parents, I often probe into how, and how often, parents actually talk with their kids about their feelings. Not just notice the emotions. Not just worry about the emotions. But talk about their emotions together. Itâs not uncommon to get the following sentiment:
âUgh! I DO try to talk to my kids about their emotions, but they always just storm off and never want to talk to me.â
If that feels familiar, gently think about this: how have you talked to them about their emotions in the past? Does it sound anything like this?
âWhy are you mad!? Get a grip and get over it!â
âYouâre fine, just walk it off.â
âDonât cry! Itâs okay! Thereâs nothing to cry about.â
âThereâs nothing to be scared about! Toughen up!â
If those statements sound familiar, you are certainly not alone. It is common to notice our kidsâ extreme emotions and want to neutralize those emotions for them. âOh, donât be scared! Thatâs just an airplane. Itâs not going to hurt you. Youâre just fine!â
These neutralizing statements are coming from a genuine and altruistic place. After all, no parent enjoys seeing our kid hurting. Itâs natural to strive to make that uncomfortable feeling go away.
Furthermore, our kidsâ emotions can feel surprisingly uncomfy to us. You know the moment. The one where your kid unexpectedly bursts out in tears, or rage, or is frozen in fear, refusing to respond to the nice stranger asking them a benign question. First, you may think, âWowza. I wasnât expecting that. This. Is. Just. A lot.â Then (if out in public), you may notice the judging eyes of other adults. Then, come your own emotions. Finally rushes in the powerful urge to make this uncomfortable thing go away.
However, the trouble with this is that our child DID feel an emotion. Even if you donât agree with it, or it was âtoo much,â it was a real-life emotion, with real-life physiological underpinnings.
Thatâs why neutralizing statements like, âoh, you're fine, just donât feel that,â donât quite compute. Your childâs already scrambled brain, thinks, âWhat? That wasnât real? It felt real. My heart rate increased. My breathing increased. I started sweating. I lost control. But, sheâs telling me everythingâs fine. OkayâŠâŠ.â
Think about it from this perspective: Youâre rushing to work and spill coffee down your favorite blouse. You must quickly change into that shirt that feels a little too tight and scratchy. You get pulled over and ticketed on the way to work. You arrive late, and your boss scolds you for the second time that week. You pull up the file youâve been working on all week and itâs corrupted. You must start over. After what seems like 97 hours, your lunch break finally arrives. You start ranting about this dumpster fire of a day to your work bestie, and she responds with, âOh, youâre fine. You are overreacting. Donât be so upset, your life is great!â
How do you feel? Better? Yeah, I wouldnât either. This is exactly how our kids feel as well. Our altruistic attempts to neutralize their emotions, end up just feeling even more awful. Thus, when talking with our kids about their emotions avoid giving in to the following âmake it betterâ traps:
- Neutralizing (âDonât cry, itâs not scary!â)
- Dismissing (âWalk it off, youâre fineâ)
- Fixing (âThe dog is scary!? Iâm sorry! Get the dog out of here. Itâs okay, baby, I wonât ever make you see that mean dog againâŠâ),
Instead, try the following:
- Pause before you respond. Other peopleâs intense emotions nearly always make our own emotions flair up. Your child flops to the floor wailing, and you instantly feel angry. Your child says he hates his teacher, and you are filled with anticipatory dread (âOh no, heâs going to always hate school because of this teacher. Heâs never going to get into college, orâŠâ). Your child calls you the âworst mother everâ and you suddenly feel like the worst mother ever. Those emotions you are feeling are just as important as your childâs emotions. Note them. Acknowledge them. But donât react out of them. Donât give too much weight to those automatic emotional responses. Take a moment to breathe and calm yourself before responding to your child.
- Label, Label, Label. Label your childâs emotions as you see them: happy, sad, angry, excited, frustrated, dreading, irritated. There is no age too young or too old to begin this. You are not judging as you are labeling, you are just stating what you see:
- âYou are frustrated!â
- âYou are dreading going to school today.â
- âIt made you feel angry, and even scared when I yelled.â
- Remind your child that no emotion is wrong or unusual or crazy. We have all felt all the things! All emotions have a purpose.
- âThat plane is loud. Loud things can feel scary. That scary feeling is our bodyâs way to keep us safe. You are safe right now.â
- âYou are furious that your brother hit you. That is understandable. You are so mad; your body is trying to tell you that you do not want that to happen again.â
- âYou're sad that grandma died. Thatâs totally okay. Your body and mind will miss her for a while, and that is okay.â
- Be present. After labeling and normalizing, you may find that your child is doing okay. That may be all they needed to feel âheard.â But there may be more they need to express. Listen to what they are saying and reflect it back. Remember, you do not need to fix or neutralize the feeling.
- âUgh, you are dreading going to school tomorrow. I get that.â
- âYouâre sad that this was Lexieâs last day at school. That is sad. Ah, youâre also worried that you wonât get a chance to see her again.â
- âIt made you feel really mad when he yelled at you. Especially when you got in trouble for yelling yesterday. I see, that also feels unfair to you.â
This week, try pausing, labeling, normalizing, and being present for your childâs emotions. You may find that your childâs intense emotions actually neutralize on their own. You may also find that your child begins to open up and talk just a little more than is typical. Let us know how it goes!
We talk about this, and much more, in our âParenting 101â video course. If you haven't already, check out the free video from our course, "Love, Like, Enjoy" here: Watch Free Video from Course
-Dr. Erin Avirett
Want more like this? Transform your home with our Parenting 101 Course, and weekly tips from two Child Psychologists.
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